Dating is a journey—sometimes exciting, often frustrating, and always a learning experience. As a Black woman in Iowa, the dating landscape presents a unique set of challenges, surprises, and, at times, lessons I didn’t know I needed. After my divorce, I stepped back into the dating world for the first time in nearly two decades. What I found was a mix of adventure, growth, and some serious reality checks.
This post is a reflection on my experiences, from navigating dating apps to dealing with communication struggles, racial fetishization, and redefining what I truly want in a partner. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering what it’s like to date as a Black woman in a predominantly white state, or if you’re simply on your own journey of self-discovery, this one’s for you.
Life After Divorce
I was married for 11 years and with my ex-husband for a total of 17 years. When I walked away from that relationship in 2022, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted next. But the truth is, stepping out of a long-term marriage into singlehood is a shock to the system.
There were moments of uncertainty, fear, and even excitement. I moved into my own apartment, started focusing on my career, my podcast, and my personal growth. But eventually, I felt ready to explore something new—to see what was out there and to understand who I was outside of marriage.
What I didn’t realize was just how different the dating world had become.
Entering the Dating Scene
Let’s set the scene: The last time I was single was in 2005. The iPhone wasn’t even out yet. Online dating was barely a thing. So imagine my shock when I jumped into the world of swipes, DMs, and profile bios in 2022.
I signed up for multiple dating apps—Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, and even Facebook Dating. At first, it was fun. The thrill of getting to know new people, the excitement of potential connections. But quickly, I started noticing patterns that made me realize that dating, especially as a Black woman in Iowa, was going to be anything but simple.
The Challenges of Modern Dating
1. Fetishization & Racial Bias
One of the first things I noticed was how often I was fetishized. Being a Black woman in a predominantly white state means that, for some men, I wasn’t just a potential partner—I was a “new experience.”
The number of messages I received from white men asking if I’d “ever been with a white guy” was exhausting. Then there were the outright inappropriate comments: “I’d love to make a mixed baby with you.” Immediate block.
For Black women in interracial dating, there’s a constant need to weed out those who see us as a fantasy rather than a person. It’s dehumanizing, and it makes the process even more frustrating.
2. Communication Struggles
Communication in the dating world has taken a hit. Ghosting, dry conversations, and an overall lack of effort were common experiences.
I had men send messages like “WYD” (What you doing?) as their only conversation starter. Others would disappear after a few weeks of dating without a word. And then there were the men who wanted full emotional support but couldn’t provide basic reciprocity in a relationship.
Dating in 2024 requires strong communication skills, but it seems like that’s the rarest quality to find.
3. Toxic Masculinity & Ego
I quickly realized that a lot of men have unresolved issues with women. From the ones who held onto bitterness from past relationships to the ones who believed their presence alone was a gift, I saw it all.
I once had a man tell me, “I think life hasn’t hit you yet.” Mind you, this came from a white man in Iowa, speaking to a Black woman who has navigated life, divorce, and her own self-growth. The audacity was almost laughable.
Others had fragile egos that couldn’t handle my success, my independence, or my confidence. It became clear that I needed to be extremely selective in who I allowed into my space.
What I’ve Learned About Myself
Through all of this, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I love who I am. Being single has allowed me to reconnect with myself in ways I never expected.
- I enjoy my own company. Whether it’s taking myself out to dinner, going to a movie alone, or simply enjoying a quiet night with my dog, George—I’m happy in my solitude.
- I set stronger boundaries. I no longer entertain half-hearted efforts or men who don’t respect my time and energy.
- I value true connection over potential. It’s easy to fall for someone’s potential, but I’ve learned to focus on what’s actually being presented in the moment.
Conclusion: Finding Joy in the Journey
Dating in Iowa as a Black woman has been an experience, to say the least. But through all the ups and downs, I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. I know my worth, I know what I want, and I know that love—real, healthy, and fulfilling love—will come when the time is right.
For now, I’m embracing the journey. I’m open to love, but I’m no longer searching for validation through it. And that is the most freeing feeling of all.
To all the single Black women navigating the dating world—stay true to yourself. Set your boundaries. Know that you are worthy of love that sees you, respects you, and cherishes you. And in the meantime, love yourself fiercely.
What has been your experience with dating? Share your thoughts in the comments or connect with me on Instagram (@blackgirliowa). Let’s keep the conversation going!
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